I just came in from hearing a CD play in the car of some of my favorite songs from college.
Dangerous.
Subliminal reminders of feeling very alive-- spontaneity, freedom, power, efficiency, playfulness...
In so many, many ways this mini-van driving, bottom wiping, emotionally eating mother has forgotten the girl that really lives inside of me. My days are spent reminding little boys to go to the bathroom, hand sanitizing, sandwich making, and bill paying- and somewhere along those lines I forgot that I was once a fun person. I once knew how to talk about something other than nap schedules and pediatrician appointments. Once...
So much of my days are spent worrying about keeping my kids from drowning, and my nights continuously checking to see that my kids are still breathing- and it shocks me to remember that I once drove a sports car that broke down every week, got several speeding tickets, hung out with guitar buddies, and was quite a flirt (don't misinterpret that for flousy). And today I stood back and looked at myself and saw something had slipped from me that I don't like that I let go.
I think I've let go of my fun side.
Obviously, I'm not going to stop paying bills or cleaning house here. I am a HUGE believer in being responsible, living the gospel as 100% as possible, being a wife and mother full of devotion and fidelity. But- I am finally believing Glenn is right that it would be good for me to get some hobbies. Somehow my responsible side has left me as something I call "Motherly Fearful". And I don't like that has left me feeling serious almost all of the time.
So, first on the list- I signed up for a Zumba class (Akk! So fun! Glenn and I agreed it was okay as long as there are no men in the class :)... I'm not shaking my hips around any men, thank you very much.).
Next- well, that's what I'm working on. I know there aren't a lot of people who read my blog, but if you do, you are most likely a mother as well and I would LOVE to know how you keep in touch with your fun side. I know it involves creativity, creating, and a healthy step away from the kids on occasion (hard for me to do). I would love any suggestions...
I know it goes without saying that I would never change that I am a wife and mother- every day I feel joy in what I do... I just need help loosening up a bit :).
3 comments:
Dearest Kristen, Its Jael :) I love reading your blog. I love how sincere and honest you are in your post. Being a mother is selfless and I can only imagine that its hard not to loose yourself in such cute little boys and your baby girl :) But from your blog....it looks like you still got it. You have a wedding dress you can fit into and your husband is a smily as the first day I met him. Still, sometime I too take on the 110% responsible person and forget all the fun things I love. So my advice is, and take it for what its worth... "it came to pass" not "it came to stay".... Advice that I will try to remember as I face trials at work and as I start my own little family someday. CHAO!
K - You are not alone. Sadly, I do not have the magic answer, but I can commiserate. There just never seems to be enough time for all the responsibility AND the fun.
My best advice (and I only manage to take it 18% of the time):
1) Leave space in your schedule.
I have a much easier time incorporating kids into "me" if we have time for the whims in between all the to-dos. So I try to pick a few hours each week that are completely unscheduled (which includes cooking and cleaning and anything else responsibility-driven). Sometimes I fill those with something magical and renewing (sometimes with the kids, sometimes without). And sometimes I just end up hanging out on the front lawn with a magazine while the kids blow bubbles. But it somehow helps me to feel like my life is still open to a "frivolous" whim here and there.
2) Find like-minded friends.
(Though it looks like you already have)
This mommy business is so much harder when you feel like you're going it alone.
3) Don't be afraid of the consequences.
Sounds extreme, but accept the hunger/boredom-driven screaming in the backseat of the car; the cereal for dinner; and the wrinkled laundry left sitting in the dryer as a fair trade-off for something unexpected and out of the ordinary -- with or without the kiddos in tow.
As said before, you are not alone in this and it's hard to not get lost in this whole mommyhood.
That's one reason I teach my music classes. It gives me an outlet to be creative, have fun doing something i love- teaching kids music, it challenges me and it does incorporate my kids but I am in a different roll with them, so it feels different.
My favorite thing as an outlet in Massachusetts was book club. I love that other moms would read about the same thing I was that month, and then we would get together and talk about it. I always felt so cultured and uplifted at the end of the night because we did talk about things other than naps and getting kids to eat their dinner.
Another thing you're so great at is connecting with people often who uplift and give you energy. I cannot function as a person without this.
I also give myself "days off" every once in awhile. These days, I don't do any cleaning, and minimal meal prep. I read a book or do something else I have been wanting to do JUST FOR ME! These are rejuvenating days for me.
Thanks for being a real person Kristen, and good luck!
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